Even good parents can’t control their children
My father sent me this article: http://www.newsweek.com/id/151758/page/1. It’s about how children are very different from each other genetically! OK, that’s not much of a revelation, but these differences cause children to be widely varied in how much “parenting” they take in. Certain children (those who are more mellow) are less likely to absorb either the positive or negative modeling of parents while the more sensitive (difficult) children are more affected by what their parents do.
Part of what this seems to mean to me is that there’s not one or two ways to deal with children. Each child has to be “read” individually. The skill of being able to figure out what your child is communicating with his or her behavior is important for the parent to be able to respond in a way that is helpful for the child and the parent.
One thing I’ve felt after the first 6 months or so of having children, is that parents aren’t nearly as in control of their children’s behaviors as people think they are. Children are highly varied individuals. What works for one may not work for another. Parents can’t just set limits, be consistent in enforcing them and churn out well-behaved children.
I have parented more than 16 children and taught many more and I felt that I wasn’t really “in control” of any of them. I found that with a negotiating type relationship, where I led a respectful and mutually beneficial discussion about whatever we were dealing with, I could help get to a comfortable place with the children in my care.
This society needs to stop seeing children as creatures that can be manipulated into whatever the adult wants as long as the “right” method is used. Instead, people need to acknowledge that children are complex, individual and independent people that we need to work with and teach instead of just training.
Much of past (and some current) parenting advice makes parents feel that they should be able to control their children’s behavior at all times. I know it makes me feel bad when I can’t control them because I have in the back of my mind that if I was a good parent I would be able to. I know there are also many parents (and mostly non-parents) who think that parents should just be able to control their children.
We need to think about what we want to teach children, though, and what the best teaching methods are. Disconnecting a bit from the feeling that we are bad parents if we can’t control our children can help us work with them in a way that might be more helpful to them and to us.
