Skill 1: Understanding the behavior
The first skill certainly seems obvious. A child needs to undertand what is expected of them and be cognitively, physically and emotionally capable of doing it. I find that I often overestimate and sometimes underestimate what my children are capable of. For example, I’m never quite sure how many chores I should give them. They are supposed to clean their room and put their clean, folded clothes in the drawers, keep the house clear of their stuff, clear their dishes and put them in the dishwasher, and put their clothes in the laundry. They’re 6 and 7. Sometimes I’m not sure if this is too much or just perfect. They have a very difficult time with keeping their stuff under control. I’m starting to wonder if it’s just more than little kids can handle trying to keep things neat. Even my 12 year old isn’t able to keep her room neat. Basically, I think the kids understand that I want them to keep their room and the house neat and clean and free of their toys, but I don’t think they’re really capable of doing so yet.
When first instituting a new expectation of behavior make sure you explain it clearly and maybe give examples or demonstrate. My children just nod their heads and give me an understanding look when I talk to them, but this doesn’t always mean they understand what I’m saying. Sometimes it just means they’re happy to be having a conversation. Find a way to get them to describe the behavior or even to demonstrate it.
When you think they understand it, have them do it. See if they’re capable of doing it even once. If they do it wrong, just gently correct them. If you continue to gently correct them whenever they do something wrong then you can experiment with different behaviors. You can try having them do more chores or have more manners or be better behaved in social situations or whatever. As long as you stay gentle then you can see what they’re capable and be willing to back off on expectations if they miss the mark again and again.
If a child cannot seem to do (or not do) the behavior repeatedly, first go back to teaching it and making it understood. Consider also, that they may not yet be ready to do it regularly on their own. At that point you can either drop the expectation for now (like I’ll probably do about keeping their room completely clean) or stay in teaching mode for a much longer time than you might have thought necessary.
