Struggling with my strong-willed child
I’m having some incredibly difficult parenting days recently. My younger son, who has always been trying, has become far more difficult. He’s what I call, “persistent.” When he has a desire, if I stand in the way, he just keeps focusing on it and driving for it.
One day, when we were playing outside, he wanted me to go inside and get him some tortilla chips. I said that he could go get them himself. He had a tantrum for close to an hour, yelling at me to go get the chips for him. I just kept staring at him wondering what was going on.
I ended up sitting down and talking to him, when he had calmed down, about the positives about being “persistent” and then talking about how it can also hurt his chances for getting what he wants. I told him it was great that he was “persistent” because he would be the type of person to really focus and get what he wants. The flip side is that he really needs to learn how to figure out what other people want so that he can provide what they want in order to get what he wants. I told him that I don’t want to be yelled at or have things demanded of me.
After that talk, he’s been able to get unstuck a little faster than usual. I asked him what kind of “cue” he’d want when he started getting stuck. I wanted something physical I could do to remind him that he doesn’t want to get himself stuck in a corner. We came up with putting a finger on a nose. I start with putting my finger on my nose and then sometimes put my finger on his nose. Sometimes he even laughs and that can help pull him out.
Right now he’s getting stuck just about every day. He’s at a camp that he’s not thrilled about, but not at all miserable at. This has been the worst week. I’m trying to stay calm and finish out this last week of camp and then see if he can calm down next week when he’s with me all week.
It’s very scary for me to watch my child get stuck in these intense, stubborn tantrums. I worry about his future. I worry about his social relationships. I worry about how he’ll be in school. Right now I’m trying to just breathe through each episode and talk to him about staying unstuck and focusing on giving the other person (often me) what they want so that he can get what he wants. I feel like my panic about his future causes me to have difficulty figuring out what his current needs are and what he might be communicating. Right now all I feel like I can do is to make it through each episode with as little anger on my part and just take mental notes on what he’s doing and what he might be needing. Sometimes it takes a long time for me to figure out the you part of my steps. I try to remember to have faith that he and I will work this out.
