3 steps to stopping negative parenting cycles
Sometimes my kids and I get on a sort of negative cycle where their behavior is driving me nuts and I am not doing things in a respectful way or I am not noticing that they are communicating something with their behavior. I start to feel like I cannot do anything right and have basically lost. I worry that I will need to switch to yelling or punishing or something to make my kids behave. When I am in my room crying I remember to slow down and think about the steps one-by-one and see if I can get a better handle on what I need to do to put us all on a more positive cycle. It usually works.
Step one (Me): think about what’s going on with you. What is making you feel particularly upset? What is your child or children doing that’s driving you crazy? Has there been some change in yours or the children’s schedule? What do you feel like you want to do to the kids that you know you shouldn’t? How do you want their behavior to change? How do you want your behavior to change?
Step two (You): What are the kids doing that is making you crazy? What are they specifically doing? What do they say they want? What do you think they want? What is their behavior trying to achieve? Put yourself in their shoes and think of what you would want.
Step three (Us): What can you do to give the child(ren) what they need? If there’s a transition occurring can you find a way to discuss it and come up with ways to help everyone relax. What can you do for yourself? Is there a way you could get a break? Is there something you could do to help make yourself feel better and more able to give your kids what they need?
I find that when life is hectic and/or in transition none of us behave well. I find myself unable to respond to my children in a kind and respectful way. When my kids are overtired they do a variety of annoying things and seem out of control. I try to give them space and not get too upset about annoying behaviors.
Some people feel the need to try to correct every problematic behavior their children have, but children don’t yet know how to deal with every difficult and uncomfortable feeling they have. Sometimes sitting down and talking to them about what these feelings are and how they can be miserable, but manageable.
