Encouraging responsibility in kids
One method of respecting a child’s need for respect and to feel in control and not constantly being “told” what to do, is setting your child up to “surprise” you with good behavior. Often they need prompts, but that is okay. You can talk to yourself wondering if something will be done (hmm, I have got to remember to clear my plate after I eat) or talk to someone else in the house “honey (wife/husband), did you remember to put all your dirty clothes in the laundry?”
My kids used to try to surprise me by putting on their seatbelts before I got in the car. I would walk to the car very slowly and talk out loud, just to myself, wondering if I could get my seatbelt on before anyone else. they would run into the car, wanting to surprise me then they would put their seatbelts on and yell “surprise!” when I got in the car.
They love to surprise with clothes in the laundry or things, just generally where they go. Kids gain a lot of power by doing things right without being told directly. My kids are willing to be prompted as long as I do not say directly what needs to be done. Often, after dinner, I will just say, “what do we do after dinner?” They know it is time to do their “jobs” which include washing their face and hands, brushing their teeth and getting into pajamas.
Kids learn responsibility when they feel that they are in charge of doing what they need to do. Because it is difficult to always remember, the indirect reminders are helpful in making children feel successful and independent. When they are ready and can remember on their own, they will do what needs to be done without so much fanfare.
They used to have to do their “jobs” before they could watch TV or do any other after supper activities. As my children have gotten older (now 6 and 7), though, I even let them choose when they’ll do their “jobs.” I tell them that I trust them to do what they need to do so they can decide when. The only contingency I put on it is that if they haven’t done what they need to do by bedtime, then they’ll have to do their jobs instead of getting a back rub, which is our normal bed time ritual. So far neither child has let their jobs go until the end of the night. Instead they sit down and watch TV and feel more freedom to choose when to get up and do what they need to do.
