Consistency (or not) in parenting
Not every unwanted behavior requires an immediate and appropriate consequence or plan. It would be lovely if I always had such a thing in the back of my mind, or time to create one, but I do not. Sometimes a child will do something that makes me so incredibly and unbelievably upset, but the only things I can think of to do are ineffective or abusive or both. At that point it is OK to just let it go and do very little. Make sure the child is safe and ignore it. I would then spend some time thinking about what I could do that would be helpful for the next time when the behavior is repeated.
People often believe that each unwanted behavior has to be reacted to swiftly and effectively for a child to learn. I hear things like, “he needs to learn,” or “if she gets away with it this time she’ll think it is always OK.” Children are not animals. They can learn what is wanted and unwanted even if there is not always a consequence. Parents need to provide time to understand their own needs and reactions and the child’s so that they can develop an appropriate intervention.
When involved in an anger-inducing situation with another adult the advice is usually to take some breaths and not to just react without thinking. The same can be said for dealing with children. Children will still be able to learn what they need to without immediate reactions each time. In fact, a well thought-out and agreed upon solution will be much more effective in the long run.
I have had children who had some incredibly difficult behaviors because of having Reactive Attachment Disorder and even Oppositional Defiant Disorder as a result of trauma. The behaviors these kids have can be so enraging that it is difficult to avoid harming them when you think you have to respond immediately. Instead, I would walk away and sometimes even slam my palm into a wall and cry a little. I would keep my own reactions away from the child. I would then think about what could be done that respects both of us and avoids any kind of power struggle which kids like these thrive on.
For one child, naps were an issue. He got me so mad when he would not nap that I was going to lose my mind. I finally considered both his (three year old) wants and my knowledge about what he needed and came up with a solution that worked. I sat him down when it was not nap time and told him that I knew naps were difficult for him and that he thought he was too old for them and wanted to continue playing. I suggested that we make a deal. If he lay quietly in his room with his eyes closed for just fifteen minutes, I would come in at the end of the time and if he was awake he could go play immediately. That ended the fights and he never ever was awake at the end of the fifteen minutes until he had grown out of naps.
