Creating easier bedtimes
It sounds kind of cumbersome to go through this whole process each time your child misbehaves, but I have found that most kids, even ones with very, very difficult behaviors, do many of the same unwanted things over and over again. They will often come up with something new, but once you are practiced at thinking Me, You, Us, you will be able to quickly identify each person’s issues and work with your child to find a solution.
For example, my children have a variety of bedtime avoidance techniques. These include needing extra backrubs, being frightened, needing to go to the bathroom, needing to drink some water, inability to find blankies or toys and the list goes one. At the same time, I tend to be completely spent by their bed time. I have done too much in one day and just need a break. They do not want to leave me and I really, really, really want to leave them, just to go to the next room and watch TV. This happens night after night. I can predict the issue. I could have a consequence each time, but then I would have to follow through in my exhausted state. The first time these issues come up I can do very little productive to avoid them. I just let my kids do what they are going to do. I think about it, though, and work out a plan.
I understand that I want them to go to sleep at a reasonable time so that they are not miserable the next day and that I want them to leave me alone. I understand, as well, that they do not feel the need to have me leave them alone and that moving from a fun, busy day into boring sleep is not all that desirable.
What I have done is work out different things with the kids. I explain to them that I am very tired by the end of the day and need “mama time.” I set out plastic cups on the counter with water in them which they can get up and get by themselves if they want. They can also, of course, use the bathroom whenever they want. I do one tuck-in and then if they get up or mess up the blankets, it is up to them to get themselves tucked back in. I tell them they can hang out in their beds and stay awake and read books or whatever, but that I am”off duty” and they need to leave me alone.
When this alone did not work, I took some time to sit down with them before bedtime one night. I told them that we needed to talk about bed time and make a plan of how they could be quiet and stay in bed and I could go have mama time. They had some good ideas. They wanted to have their music players on with ear phones and they wanted some little lights on their beds so they could “read (they cannot actually read yet).” The music players were easier, but the lights had to go on a list for me to buy at a later time.
At first this worked, but then they forgot why they were being quiet and staying in bed and became noisy again. I had to have a “reminder” discussion. I reminded them that we all made a deal that they could do what they wanted, quietly in bed after back rubs and kisses and tuck-ins, and in exchange they would leave me alone. I reminded them regularly in the beginning, but after awhile it became just part of the routine. I ask them again what they need to take care of themselves at night and I remind them about my needs. I also tell me my kids that I am a much nicer, less cranky mama with a good amount of sleep.
One additional glitch that would sometimes happen is that they would want to continue watching TV past the 8:00 mark. I tell them that they can watch TV until the next commercial (about 10-15 minutes), but they’ll give up their back rub in exchange for the time. Not once has the child chosen to watch TV instead of the back rub.
The method did not create, perfect bedtimes, but it gave us a foundation to work with and for me to remind them of their part in the “deal.”
Since this same behavior was predictable, I did not have to come up with the solution all at once or the first time I encountered the problem. I knew that it would keep happening. I could take some time to think about what I wanted and what they wanted and what kind of compromise we could come to.
