Working out a solution with your kids (Us)
The final step of this equation is the Us. This is where we try to pull together the thoughts and feelings of both parties involved and create a solution that works for all. The most important thing to remember for this step is that the solution has to work somewhat for both of you, the child and the adult. I am aware that this is not always the case. In situations of danger or possible harm or a variety of other things, it will not be possible to come to an agreed upon solution. I also do not mean that both sides will have an equal say in the solution.
When the child is younger, the parent often offers a limited set of solutions that the child can choose from. Often the child will be “strong-armed” into the solution. The difference is only that the child feels some sense of control. The younger the child, the harder it is to make them truly understand what is at stake. As my children get older, they are able to understand better which issues are negotiable and which ones are not. The idea is to make both parties feel like they got what they want without either party being so upset that they end up with bounceback behaviors (which I’ll describe later).
What do you need?
First, parents need to think about what they want from their child. They should try to narrow it down to something that is really important or meaningful and not something that just “teaches him for the future.”
For example, my children were bowling with grapes outside on the deck. When another adult saw that, she immediately got upset and said that “children shouldn’t be playing with their food.” I figured that the reason I do not want children playing with food is because I do not want a mess inside that I will have to clean up. Outside, though, that was not an issue. Yard creatures would eat any leftover grapes so I did not consider it a problem. I still would maintain that they could not play with their food inside. I also did not feel that allowing them to play with their food outside would make it more difficult to keep them from playing with their food inside. Children can understand context and location when deciding what can be done and what cannot be done.
What do they need?
After considering Me, think some about You. Consider what your child might be feeling or wanting or needing or tying to communicate to you. Try to stay away from the thought that he or she is just trying to annoy you. If a child really is trying to annoy you or get you mad then they probably are mad at you. If you respond with anger, you will probably just continue a vicious cycle. If it is clear that a child is trying to annoy you, stop and try to take some time to figure out why. Did you have to use a behavior control method that made him or her feel out of control, or did you actually just do something that they did not like? When the child is old enough, ask him or her. Ask them if they are mad at you and if there is anything you can do. Often just an acknowledgement that the parent hears that they are mad and they say that they are sorry is enough. If the child is mad about something that the parent really had to do the parent can even explain that their job is to keep them safe or whatever and end it. The child may stay mad for awhile, but they will at least feel heard.
One of the most common issues of people, who have less power than those around them, including children, is that they need to be heard. They worry that they do not have the power to make themselves heard if they really need it. Often, then, they are afraid that when there is a big problem or an emergency and they desperately need to be heard, they will not be. Without changing the things you need to do, try to make your child feel heard as much as possible.
Include moods or feelings in your negotiation if possible. Tell your child what you need and ask them what they want. Then ask them to see if they can think of way of both of you getting what you want.
Let’s make a deal
I often frame it both to my kindergarten children and my high school students as needing to make a “plan” or a “deal.” I tell them what I need or want and what I am feeling. If I have an idea of why they are doing things that I do not want I suggest these reasons to see if I’m on target. I allow them to agree or tell me that I am wrong about their motivations. I then ask them how we can set up something so I can get what I want. My children have gotten good at suggesting deals right away. They are practiced at getting what they want by giving me what I want.
This process of considering a parent’s feelings and needs and the child’s and then working up a solution takes time in the beginning and can seem like just more work which will lead to less sanity. Because it reduces struggles so much, though, after it is practiced, it will make dealing with children much easier.
