What does your child need? (You)
The next step is You. This is when I try to really get into my children’s shoes and think about what they are going through, how they are seeing things, why they are doing what they are doing and what they might be trying to communicate with their behavior. It often seems like our children are doing what we do not want just because they want to be in control or bother us or defy us, or whatever. Instead, consider the number of skills necessary to behave well and always assume at first that the child has just not mastered one of the skills.
I always first consider that the child has forgotten. It is not that easy to remember everything when it is the heat of the moment and it is not something very important to them. Wanted behaviors are those that we, as parents, institute and teach. Children cannot necessarily see the rhyme or reason for them while they are small. They are usually willing to do them, but it is not easy to remember what seems like somewhat arbitrary rules and behaviors. I always remind a child about what I want them to do, generally without saying it directly. I try to direct them with phrases such as, “oh no, I found shoes in the hallway. Where do shoes belong?” Or “what do you think I want you to do when you are finished playing with the blocks?” These types of reminders help jog a child’s memory without making them feel bad for forgetting. Would you prefer your partner to say, “honey, do you know where the rake is?” when you have forgotten to put it back in the shed or do you want him or her to say, “why can’t you remember to put the rake away?” Go for the easiest reason for misbehavior first.
Most of the things that are just forgotten do not have too much emotional baggage attached to them. Sometimes there is not so much forgetting as not wanting to do the harder activity. For example, my children have boxes near their beds, one for each of them. They are supposed to keep their shoes and backpacks/lunch boxes in there so we can always find them. Often those items do not quite make it past the front door. They think it is a pain to walk all the way to their room instead of dumping them by the door. I just remind them repeatedly. Remember, children do not generally see the reason for the organization and cleanliness that we want. Sometimes when one of my children cannot find their shoes or something I remind them that we put everything back where it goes precisely so that we always know where it is when we need it. I do not say this in a mean/told-you-so way, but more in a teaching way.
Our priorities are not their priorities. Their priorities are those of children. They need to have parents to help them learn how to keep their things organized and so forth, but it does not mean that they will take on this need for themselves, perhaps until adulthood, perhaps earlier. It drives us nuts to be continuously cleaning up after them or even just reminding them to do what they are supposed to do, but that is part of parenting an undeveloped person.
For some things, the You part of the equation means realizing that the child is developmentally unable to do what we want him or her to do and all we can do is teach and help them gently learn what we want from them so that when they are developmentally capable, they will have the information and skills. For example, two, three and four year olds are generally not developmentally able to just go clean a room. It is too overwhelming for them to figure out what goes where and how to start when the room is a mess. There are many ways of organizing things for a child that age to be able to clean. Things like, having them only play with one toy at a time then put it away, have specific, labeled boxes so that it is easy to figure out where each toy goes, have a big bucket to put toys without homes, proving one category at a time to pick up (I tell one child to pick up all the clothes and another to pick up all the stuffed animals and do not touch anything else, then I give them another category) and probably many more. As the child gets older, he or she will be able to organize and clean a whole room. Younger children and even some older children who have organizing difficulty just are not developmentally capable no matter how much we try to understand them.
Allow for developmental age and stage of the child. Remember, it does not mean that they will never learn and it will not necessarily make a child able to do something at a younger age if you start teaching them younger. There are many things in life that really cannot be done until they are ready. Then, when the child is ready, it is much easier to teach them to do it. Personally, I think it is fine to gently try to teach a child something, even if they are not developmentally ready to do it as long as you are very relaxed about it.
I remember waiting for that potty readiness that all the books and websites talk about. I waited for my kids to do the things they were supposed to do to be ready to be rid of diapers. They did them, but seemed to have no interest in getting rid of the diapers. Finally, someone told me to just set up a time that the diapers were going to be all done, talk about it ad nauseum with the kids then just get rid of the diapers. I used cloth so I gave a day that they would be gone and then did the last load and put them away. It was underwear and LOTS of changes of clothes from there on out. For the first week I changed each of their clothes about four times a day. It was winter and I was out of my mind. I was sure that my children would be the only children that never potty trained. After a week, it all sort of kicked in. I still changed many sets of clothes for the next six months or so, but they were obviously developmentally ready. I probably could have started a bit earlier as long as I did not make them feel bad about not being able to stay dry.
Sometimes a child is really trying to communicate something with their behavior. Sometimes my son will come home from school and basically start fights with everyone in the family. He would have gotten frustrated or upset during the day and come home and just be miserable to his brother, more miserable then the usual brotherly arguments and problems. He would hit and throw things. I would wrap him up in my arms and sit him down with me on the couch or in his bedroom and he would scream and yell at me. If he tried to hit or kick me I would just gently hold that part of him so I would not get hurt. He would sort of rail and rant against my hold on him for awhile. Finally, he would calm down and just be as sweet and loving as can be. I could tell by his behavior that he needed to physically express his anger and frustration at the day, but did not have the skills. As he has gotten older, we talk about doing “mad.” Which means going into the playroom or his room and stomping his feet or punching pillows and just talking about whatever came into his head. As he becomes more developmentally able to transfer from the physical expression of his feelings to the verbal, he will be able to switch over to that. He will probably continue to need a cue, even as he gets older.
Related to that, my children have bad, moody, grumpy days just like grown-ups do. When I can see that one of my children is having a bad day I will tell the other children, in his or her hearing, that so and so is having a bad day, let’s give him or her a little extra help. Leave them alone. Do not be too demanding and such. This does a few things. First, it tells the child who is having a bad day that he or she is having a bad day and that others notice it and can name it. Secondly, it makes it clear to the child that it is okay to have a bad day and that moods are acceptable. Thirdly, it helps the other children back off a little and remember how they want to be treated on their bad days. Fourth, it allows me to talk directly to the bad-day-having-child about how they can hold themselves together. I ask if they want to do “mad” or if they want some time by themselves or, basically, how they are going to hold themselves together while still feeling lousy.
Often parents try to continue their regular expectations and consequences for behavior even when a child is “off,” but often it is far more effort and work on the part of the parent and it often does not work because the child is too far “off” to use the skills they have previously learned. I feel that “off” days require another kind of education for a child, how to deal with feeling lousy and still behaving in a reasonable way.
Children do not have the skills, words or developmental capacity (sometimes I think many adults do not have the ability to just acknowledge and communicate their uncomfortable feelings in a way other than acting them out) to communicate when they are feeling something uncomfortable. They need to do it with behavior. Parents need to teach children the words to communicate how they are feeling. Parents also need to teach children how to keep themselves under control even when they are not feeling well, but they need to somehow communicate very clearly that they hear what the child is saying and know it is very hard. It does not work to tell a child to feel a different way or to remember all their skills when they feel miserable.
There are so many feelings and experiences that a child may have every day that they just cannot figure out or understand or deal with. They cannot talk about it. They cannot understand it. They need to act it out. These sensations can lead to all sorts of behaviors. First, consider the much easier, benign reasons for behaviors, such as not remembering or desiring to fulfill some kind of need like my tactile-seeking son. If, though, you have considered those and addressed them with a solution and it just does not work. If the behavior continues and continues then you need to think of what could the behavior be trying to communicate. Sometimes the best way to figure out what a child is feeling is to consider what feeling reaction you have to the behavior. The way I knew my son was mad and frustrated when he came home from school is because that is what I felt in dealing with him.
I had a number of foster children whose behavior was quite a bit worse than children that have never been in foster care. Often what I felt around them was anger or fear. I realized that was what they were feeling too. Experiences of children who have been incredibly harmed and neglected are much more difficult to deal with. It helped my children to know that I could hear them and they could communicate through behavior or words what was going on or what had happened to them. It did not solve the problem, though. It helps children to be listened to, but that does not necessarily make the problems go away. Be aware of when you need extra help and when just (unfinished)
Skills necessary to behave well
