Thinking about your own needs as a parent (Me)
What
In looking at the Me part of this equation, a parent needs to decide what the unwanted behavior is. That may seem somewhat obvious, but parents, often feel that they want a behavior stopped for safety reasons or convenience reasons or even just to avoid being embarrassed out in public. They may not think, though, what it is about the behavior that they want stopped. Think about behaviors like running into the street or anywhere else dangerous, harming others, touching things that are not theirs, whining, etc. In each of these situations there is only one particular part of the behavior that is the problem.
Running itself is not a problem; the destination (the street) is the problem. Wanting to get another child to do or not do something, which is often the impetus for harming another child, is not wrong, it is how they go about making the other child do that something. Touching things is not a problem; touching other people’s things is the problem. Although this may seem a bit like splitting hairs, it is a useful exercise to go through mentally so that the parent knows exactly what they want so when it comes to the next step of thinking about what the child wants, they can separate what they can offer as a solution and what they cannot.
Why
In addition to just thinking about what part of the behavior is unwanted, think about why. Is the behavior dangerous, or disrespectful or embarrassing? It is important to own the reason why the behavior is unwanted. Behavior is just behavior and just because an adult does not want a child to do it, does not mean that it is inherently wrong. It is unwanted for a reason. I know that some people do not support the idea of “talking too much” to their kids about why they do not want them to do something, but I think there is an amount of discussion required to convey to the child why the parent does not want it. It is even okay for the child to know that the parent does not want it just because they do not want it. It is okay that children learn to just respect the needs and wants of others, especially when their needs and wants are being respected as well.
When the parent owns the reason why the behavior is unwanted the parent can achieve two things. One, they can disconnect a bit from the anger at the child for continually doing something that they do not like. The child is not really doing something to the parent, but is just doing what they want. If the parent owns that the unwantedness is theirs it might be easier to not get so upset and frustrated at the child. Second, the parent can communicate this to the child so that they can learn to respect the parents’ wants and desires even if they have a hard time following them.
Personal Reactions
In exploring the Me step, I also like to get a general idea of how I feel in reaction to a child’s behavior. Sometimes, the things that my kids do make me almost explosive myself. This was especially true with my very difficult children and some of my students, but is also true when my children hurt each other. I feel like pounding on them when they are mean and cruel to each other or to anyone. It certainly does not make any sense to beat a child because they are hurting someone, but emotional responses do not always make sense. It is just important to make a mental note of how upset it makes you feel. The feeling of wanting to abuse a child does not necessarily cause you to do so, especially if you can admit that a behavior makes you that mad and that it is your problem.
