Changing children’s behavior
To truly change children’s behavior the way that parents want to and to avoid problematic side-effects of some kinds of behavior management, it helps to understand the basics of behavior. All behavior is communication about something that is going on inside a person. Stopping a behavior that a parent does not like is certainly what is most desirable, but not always the most effective way of doing things. Often children are trying to communicate something important through their behavior. If this is the case, then the child will feel the need to use whatever method necessary to communicate the message. The behaviors will stop when the child feels that the message is heard and understood. People need to be heard. Children, in particular, do not have the language or emotional skills to understand or recognize why they are feeling the way they are. They rely on the adults around them to figure out what the problem is.
Do not get me wrong, I use consequences and incentives, but I find that they are not all that effective for any length of time. Most importantly these methods need to be incorporated into a holistic view of the child and what he or needs. The method I propose is not one that needs to stand alone. All other methods can be used at the same time as long as the basics of paying attention to what the parent needs, and what the child needs and is trying to communicate are attended to.
Often parents just need something to do at the moment, something to make the situation better at the time. They have been told, regularly, that children need limits and I certainly agree with that, but I do not agree with how people deal with the children when they do not follow the rules and stay within the limits. I think the response that a child has to limits are very telling and can provide a great deal of information about what that child is feeling.
The trick is to find the right level of limits and respect for the child’s needs. Methods that advocate always doing this or that can miss the differences in what children need at different times. When parents monitor their own responses and the children’s behavior they can get a better idea of whether they need to tighten up or loosen up.
I think of it like a hug. If you hug someone too tight it just hurts. If you hug them too loosely it does not feel good. You have to find the right hug pressure to make it enjoyable for the hugger and huggee. Discipline and parenting is the same. If you are too strict then your children will constantly be pushing you away to let them breathe. If you are too lenient they will sort of flail at you trying to bring you in closer so that they can feel you taking care of them.
