I’m suspending this blog for now. I will continue to blog, including posts about understanding children, at Problem Solver Blog which can be found at: http://problemsolverblog/kids. Please visit me there.
I’m suspending this blog for now. I will continue to blog, including posts about understanding children, at Problem Solver Blog which can be found at: http://problemsolverblog/kids. Please visit me there.
My father sent me this article: http://www.newsweek.com/id/151758/page/1. It’s about how children are very different from each other genetically! OK, that’s not much of a revelation, but these differences cause children to be widely varied in how much “parenting” they take in. Certain children (those who are more mellow) are less likely to absorb either the positive or negative modeling of parents while the more sensitive (difficult) children are more affected by what their parents do.
Part of what this seems to mean to me is that there’s not one or two ways to deal with children. Each child has to be “read” individually. The skill of being able to figure out what your child is communicating with his or her behavior is important for the parent to be able to respond in a way that is helpful for the child and the parent.
One thing I’ve felt after the first 6 months or so of having children, is that parents aren’t nearly as in control of their children’s behaviors as people think they are. Children are highly varied individuals. What works for one may not work for another. Parents can’t just set limits, be consistent in enforcing them and churn out well-behaved children.
I have parented more than 16 children and taught many more and I felt that I wasn’t really “in control” of any of them. I found that with a negotiating type relationship, where I led a respectful and mutually beneficial discussion about whatever we were dealing with, I could help get to a comfortable place with the children in my care.
This society needs to stop seeing children as creatures that can be manipulated into whatever the adult wants as long as the “right” method is used. Instead, people need to acknowledge that children are complex, individual and independent people that we need to work with and teach instead of just training.
Much of past (and some current) parenting advice makes parents feel that they should be able to control their children’s behavior at all times. I know it makes me feel bad when I can’t control them because I have in the back of my mind that if I was a good parent I would be able to. I know there are also many parents (and mostly non-parents) who think that parents should just be able to control their children.
We need to think about what we want to teach children, though, and what the best teaching methods are. Disconnecting a bit from the feeling that we are bad parents if we can’t control our children can help us work with them in a way that might be more helpful to them and to us.
The fifth skill is a continuation of the fourth skill. It’s one thing to remember the behavior when you’re at home and you’re alone or just with a sibling or two. It’s quite another thing to remember the behavior when you’re out in public or you’re tired or hungry or just out of sorts.
Children who’ve perfected a certain skill in one place may not be able to generalize it to other areas. Other places seem like they may have completely different rules and often they do. You can’t run in the halls at school, but you can at home and so forth.
You may need to help children or all ages to use the same skills that they’ve already learned in other situations. For example, we have one formlish dinner at our home on Friday nights. We say Shabbat prayers and wait until everyone is seated before we start eating. Manners required on other nights are very minimal. Recently, we were at my parents house and were sitting down together more like we do on Shabbat at our house and my older son asked if we should wait to eat or not. It was such a struggle to get them to remember this skill at home, I was surprised when he was able to generalize it even without the prayers.
The biggest issues come in, though, when the children are in some way out of sorts, whether that be hungry or tired or just in a bad mood. No matter how well they’ve learned and demonstrate some behaviors, they cannot maintain that when they’re “off.” Extra reminders will be needed at this time. One thing I try (not always successfully) at these times is to tell the child that I know that they’re feeling “off” and I wonder what I can do to help them remember how to behave. Sometimes I also try to remember to ease up on my expectations. Instead of expecting that my children will remember that hands stay on their own bodies, I try to keep them apart or give them an activity that gives them some distance.
Currently, my children have just gone back to school. They are both happy in their classrooms, but are coming home increasingly tired as the week goes on. I rented some new movies and try to encourage them to sit and watch a movie in the evening instead of directly playing together, which can lead to more fights when they’re tired. As the school year goes on, they’ll work up more stamina to the pace and have an easier time in the afternoons and evenings.
Many philosophies on managing children are related to teaching children by conditioning in a similar way that pets are trained. In many ways it seems like that would be logical. Psychologists found out many years ago that providing a reward or a consequence depending on whether the behavior was desirable or not changed the behavior [...]
Parenting is one of the hardest jobs there is and so incredibly personal too. There are so many books available on parenting. It is not enough just to get advice from an expert or someone know, it is also important to know if the person providing the advice has any similarities in how he or [...]
Many philosophies on managing children are related to teaching children by conditioning in a similar way that pets are trained. In many ways it seems like that would be logical. Psychologists found out many years ago that providing a reward or a consequence depending on whether the behavior was desirable or not changed the behavior [...]
One method of respecting a child’s need for respect and to feel in control and not constantly being “told” what to do, is setting your child up to “surprise” you with good behavior. Often they need prompts, but that is okay. You can talk to yourself wondering if something will be done (hmm, I have [...]
I’m having some incredibly difficult parenting days recently. My younger son, who has always been trying, has become far more difficult. He’s what I call, “persistent.” When he has a desire, if I stand in the way, he just keeps focusing on it and driving for it.
One day, when we were playing outside, he wanted [...]
My father sent me this article: http://www.newsweek.com/id/151758/page/1. It’s about how children are very different from each other genetically! OK, that’s not much of a revelation, but these differences cause children to be widely varied in how much “parenting” they take in. Certain children (those who are more mellow) are less likely to absorb either the [...]
The fifth skill is a continuation of the fourth skill. It’s one thing to remember the behavior when you’re at home and you’re alone or just with a sibling or two. It’s quite another thing to remember the behavior when you’re out in public or you’re tired or hungry or just out of sorts.
Children who’ve [...]
Many philosophies on managing children are related to teaching children by conditioning in a similar way that pets are trained. In many ways it seems like that would be logical. Psychologists found out many years ago that providing a reward or a consequence depending on whether the behavior was desirable or not changed the behavior [...]
Parenting is one of the hardest jobs there is and so incredibly personal too. There are so many books available on parenting. It is not enough just to get advice from an expert or someone know, it is also important to know if the person providing the advice has any similarities in how he or [...]
Many philosophies on managing children are related to teaching children by conditioning in a similar way that pets are trained. In many ways it seems like that would be logical. Psychologists found out many years ago that providing a reward or a consequence depending on whether the behavior was desirable or not changed the behavior [...]
One method of respecting a child’s need for respect and to feel in control and not constantly being “told” what to do, is setting your child up to “surprise” you with good behavior. Often they need prompts, but that is okay. You can talk to yourself wondering if something will be done (hmm, I have [...]
I’m having some incredibly difficult parenting days recently. My younger son, who has always been trying, has become far more difficult. He’s what I call, “persistent.” When he has a desire, if I stand in the way, he just keeps focusing on it and driving for it.
One day, when we were playing outside, he wanted [...]
My father sent me this article: http://www.newsweek.com/id/151758/page/1. It’s about how children are very different from each other genetically! OK, that’s not much of a revelation, but these differences cause children to be widely varied in how much “parenting” they take in. Certain children (those who are more mellow) are less likely to absorb either the [...]
The fifth skill is a continuation of the fourth skill. It’s one thing to remember the behavior when you’re at home and you’re alone or just with a sibling or two. It’s quite another thing to remember the behavior when you’re out in public or you’re tired or hungry or just out of sorts.
Children who’ve [...]
One method of respecting a child’s need for respect and to feel in control and not constantly being “told” what to do, is setting your child...
Not every unwanted behavior requires an immediate and appropriate consequence or plan. It would be lovely if I always had such a thing in the back...
It sounds kind of cumbersome to go through this whole process each time your child misbehaves, but I have found that most kids, even ones with very, very...
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